| November 1, 2013

smile, some sass, a delicious scent, wit, or simply a gorgeous body — what do you think is the most attractive thing to a man? The thing that makes him want to attach himself to you and never let go?

What if I told you it’s none of these? Sure they might initially draw a guy in, but enough so to keep him long-term? To entice him to drop down onto bended knee?


READ: The 3 Worst Habits of Unbelievably Annoying Couples

Surprisingly (or not), men are looking for deeper, more substantive and enduring traits that, for some reason, too many women decide not to display — at least not early on in dating, and sometimes too little too late. Here are seven traits that really turn a guy on:

  • Fun
  • Confidence
  • Independence
  • Strength
  • Vulnerability
  • Femininity
  • Happiness

Let me break it down for you:


You’ve got to be able to be silly together. Life and work can be so stressful! Your partner is the one person with whom you can let your guard down. At home or out, when no one else is watching, that’s when it’s safe to do ridiculous dances, speak in strange voices, and just be you — it's not for the “appropriate,” contrived, careful-what-you-say-and-do side that you exhibit in the office or even around friends. If you want him to feel like he can have fun with you, you can't be afraid to have fun with him. Even if you’re afraid of looking ridiculous. Don’t be afraid to let go, let loose, get out of your box, and laugh out loud!

READ: The Secrets Women Hide From Their Partners


A confident woman knows her worth. She takes pride in herself, which is apparent through her attitude and appearance. She isn’t looking for approval from guys. She knows she’s pretty great. She also knows that the right guy will be very lucky to be with her because she has the ability to make him happier than any other woman can.

Fact is, men want to feel like they won the prize, like they are dating the head of the cheerleading team. They want to feel like they are the luckiest guy in the room. Just as he wants you to be proud of him, he wants to be proud of you. If you have a bummer, insecure, self-deprecating, “I’m not so great” attitude, why would he feel like he scored? Whether it’s your looks, brain, triumphs, the respect you garner, your career, or simply how you push yourself through pain points and get out of a box, he wants to feel like he can show you of. He needs to know that he can confidently “bring you home to mom,” introduce you to his friends, and accompany him to business dinners to meet his boss — because you make him look good.


You’re busy, driven, self-sufficient, and autonomous. You have your own interests. You’re interesting. You’re passionate. You have things going on that contribute to high-quality conversations. You have a life! And you love it. You challenge him, but you’re not a challenge. You are your best self, raising the bar and inspiring him to be his best self too. Whether it’s your business that you adore, or you have emotionally and creatively fulfilling hobbies, the point is that you don’t need him. You don’t need him to fill a void or make you happy.

Translation: You aren’t needy.

You’re already a complete and satisfied person without him. While you may be “busy” and you can certainly “take care of yourself,” don’t play hard to get or be too difficult to nail down for a date. You still need to show your enthusiasm for him. Be excited to see him. A man wants to feel wanted and special just like you do. So when you see him, be totally present. Smile. And be your fabulous and interesting self. 

READ: Is Monogamy Really That Hard?


Can you stand tall when he experiences moments of weakness? Or will you wither and collapse? Can you take care of business and hold your own if need be? That strength takes some of the pressure off him, and allows him to want to be strong for you, as opposed to making him feel like he has to be strong for you.

Are you strong in your values and beliefs? Or are you easily influenced? Who are you? What do you believe in? Do you stand by it? Do you have integrity? Or are your words and beliefs worthless? Can he depend on what you say? Do your actions align with your words? A woman who has unshakable beliefs, who shows and tells the same story, is someone who makes a man feel safe. A feeling of safety is one of the most crucial elements when it comes to a man’s ability to trust, let his guard down, and open his heart completely. In moments of uncertainty, the one thing that he can be certain of is you — because you are certain of you.


I’m not talking about being a damsel in distress. Being vulnerable is about being real and open. Exposing your weaknesses maybe seem to be the opposite of strength, but real strength is shown in your ability to express vulnerability. Showing your fragility, your pain points, your insecurities and even revealing things that you have done that you are not proud of or regret … now that takes strength.

Show him how much you love him. Tell him how crazy you are about him. Let him know that you have never felt this way before. Your emotional vulnerability makes him feel more confident about your feelings for him, and therefore allows him to be emotionally vulnerable and open about his for you.


Femininity is about both appearance and attitude. Being feminine is about embracing your beauty, softness, tenderness, nurturing, sweet side that men just don’t generally have. Be a woman! Be a girly girl! Wear dresses and lipstick and smell good. I’m not suggesting that you submit, succumb, or hand over your power — who says you can’t be powerful in a dress and stilettos? Enjoy making yourself look good. You just might notice that you feel good too.

Be nurturing. One of the feminine traits of a woman that a man isn’t often imbued with is the natural instinct to nurture. You can be vulnerable, and show him that you need him, but you also can take care of him. No matter how strong, independent and masculine he is, all men love to be nurtured, taken care of, and even babied at times. Showing him that you can be a nurturer lets him know that he can drop his guard around you and that it’s ok and safe to need you. When a guy exposes weakness, when he lets you in to see his vulnerable side, that’s where your power lies. And I’m not saying that in a way that’s game-playing or manipulative. It’s to create an enduring relationship based on feeling safe and “at home” with you, just like his mother used to do.

READ: True Love: What Does Faith Have to Do With It?


Are you a happy person? Are you happy with your life, your work, your purpose, your state of being? Or are you that incessant Debbie downer who counters a compliment with a “yeah but”; who makes snarky comments about smiling couples, who is quick with a complaint and expects to be disappointed? A guy isn’t going to make you happy. That’s not his job. Nor do you want it to be. A woman who is happy and shows it is highly desirable for a man, because at the end of the day, a guy wants to feel good. He wants to be able to sit next to you watching TV, or lay there with you at night, and just be content. He wants to feel enlivened by your smile, refueled by your belief in him, and at peace in your presence.