Dating isn't always easy, and neither is building a relationship.
So, women often stay in relationships that are not quite right, believing the rough spots will smooth themselves out. After all, no relationship is perfect so you have to expect some problems, right?
To a certain extent, this may be true. However, there are certain red flags you can spot early on when dating that indicate you may want to cut your losses and move on. Here are just a few:
1. There's nothing to say. So, you're dating this guy, and the sexual chemistry is amazing, but beyond that, you have no conversation at all. You don't share any common interests and you stare at the walls when you spend time together.
When your mother or grandmother told you to "marry your best friend," they were right. Sex is very important for a healthy relationship. However, in real life, things like illness and age can cause sex to take a back seat. So, for the sake of the long haul, it is important to have a partner you love to talk to.
2. You're walking on eggshells. Long-term relationships should be comfortable for both parties. A couple should feel like they are at home, in a safe haven when they are together. While every couple can experience a touchy subject or two if you are constantly watching what you say or do for fear it will make your new sweetie angry or hurt his feelings, look ahead five or 10 years into the future. Is this really what you want?
3. He makes you uncomfortable. Now, I'm not talking about his annoying habit of pretending to pull away as you get in the car, but if there are bigger things you don't agree with, like his level of alcohol or drug use, think long and hard before committing to the long term.
Behavior is not something that is easily changed. It indicates a difference in values and outlook on life. If you're uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable for a reason. It's your inner-wisdom saying "This guy is not for me."
4. You can't discuss important things. I've already mentioned how important it is to be able to talk to your partner. And while not every conversation has to be deep, at some point, you need to discuss the things that will affect your future as a couple. Some people put off or shy away from these conversations until after they've been together for a long time — or worse — until they are married.
You need to know each other's views on marriage, infidelity, finances, children and other important issues. These conversations don't have to happen on the first date (or even the 15th), but if you are never getting to it, if there is resistance about having the "deep" discussions, beware — this pattern may not change. Worse, by not knowing how your prospective partner feels about these things, you could be in for a very rude surprise long after you have fully invested your heart and soul in the relationship.
5. He lies. The importance of honesty in a relationship cannot be emphasized enough. If your new boyfriend shows a pattern of lying to you, even about small things, pay attention. Even if you believe he only lies to others and not to you — think twice. If he believes dishonesty is okay, it's only a matter of time before he will lie to you. Outside of "No honey, you don't look fat in that dress," there is no place for lying in a relationship. Period.
6. There's no trust. In order for any relationship to survive happily for the long term, there has to be mutual trust. After all, not many couples can be by each other's side for 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Therefore, it is important that each person feels safe in the relationship. This feeling of trust and safety should not be dependent on constant texting or phone communication. His afternoon with his friends should be uninterrupted by you, just as your shopping day or night out with your gal pals should be respected by him.
The feeling of trust and safety in your relationship should come from the knowledge that you both hold it as being very important and special. The relationship is something that both of you are invested in cherishing and protecting.
If you feel a constant need to "check in" or "see what he's up to" that indicates a trust issue. The question is: what is behind it? Has your sweetie given you some reason not to trust or is this your pattern with every romantic partner you have? If the latter is true, you may want to investigate your own trust issues. Lack of trust can really ruin a relationship.
If you are experiencing one or more of these scenarios in your relationship, you may succeed in staying together, even for years. The prognosis for real happiness, however, is shaky. When conflict arises, which happens in every relationship, it will be much more difficult to navigate and keep the relationship intact. It will be difficult, if not impossible, for you to ever really relax into and enjoy the relationship. It's true; no relationship is perfect, but I believe you can have the relationship that is perfect for you.Comment